can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
