Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
