does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
