I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
