Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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