One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
