Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
