At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I will die if light touches me.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
