she was so not down for the gang bang
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
