We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
