Please don't use social media to get back at me.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
she smelled like a LAN party
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
