Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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