How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I will pee on everything he values.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
