today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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