everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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