dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
