I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
