You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
