he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
