grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
