i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
