My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
