I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
