He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
