I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
