he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
