i wish starbucks made bloody marys
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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