I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
