May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
