Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
