her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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