I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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