Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
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The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
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Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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