did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
