I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
