ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
