You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
