I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
