just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.