FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My glasses were in the garbage this morning