I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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