I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
