We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
