Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
