Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
