i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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