Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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