WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
