HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
