spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
