new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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