your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
