Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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