How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
