It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
