the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
