I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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