There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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