What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in