I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
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