Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
