i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
