I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
